Where the toilet paper's so thick, you need to flush twice to get it down

You can always tell a lot about a place and person by the type of toilet paper they buy. I buy unbleached recycled toilet paper in paper packaging. Most shopping centres will have the huge rolls of thin, scratchy one-ply. As kids, we used to go to a family friend’s house and were specifically told not to use grandma’s toilet, as she had the really nice, soft probably quilted/embossed toilet paper. That stuff was expensive! We had to use the regular toilet with the normal, cheap toilet paper. I guess being elderly grants you thicker toilet paper. That made me aware of the subtle differences between toilet paper buyers and users. I am surprised when I go to friends’ houses and know that they struggle financially, yet buy the thick, embossed, scented, printed stuff. That to me spells luxury and extravagance. But hey, that’s just me and the way I was raised. And my own neuroses. For all I know, they could’ve bought it on sale or something.

The street-front stores (those not located in a shopping centre) have their own toilets and we order our toilet paper with our monthly stationary orders. I believe it is the regular, probably one-ply Corporate Express (EXP) brand that our company has now switched to, probably as it is more economical. Training at Head Office, I noticed that they have the thick, embossed, two-ply Kleenex toilet paper. What is that, a whole 83 cents per roll? Wow. It was so thick I had to flush twice to get it down. And that’s not good, given our water shortage and increased water restrictions.

Well, training at HO has not turned out to be all that fascinating. A whole day of training and I have a better idea of what I am doing, or supposed to be doing, and that’s probably a good thing too, seeing as I’ll be working all day by myself on Friday finishing the reports. I am required to compile weekly productivity reports (everything from store time sheets, clearance store staff productivity and even AM productivity), wage sheets and summaries and budgets vs store hours. Interesting as it gives me an insight into how the stores, staff and AMs are performing, and I also get to see how much they receive in bonuses/reductions for being under/over budgeted staff hours related to money made. The Company is very secretive and likes to know exactly what is going on in every aspect of The Company’s workplaces.

The Company, and its Owner, like to keep tabs on the AMs as well and make sure they are performing. It is harder to keep track of us staff in stores, so they make the AMs pay. It is known that some AMs have GPS tracking devices in their company cars. The cars themselves aren’t that flash. Apparently just discards of the owner so he can get a new Bentley or something off and write that off on tax. Who wants a Hyundai Accent? They also have to complete daily reports and log their hours at work to show what they have been doing all day. One of the redundant Visual Merchandisers told me that The Owner has cameras in all the offices in HO so that he can view all the staff while they work. She was in her office when he suddenly called her in from his intercom. Quite surprising if you weren’t aware that he knew you were in there. Some stores also have live camera and audio feeds into HO as well- they apparently put that in to monitor a staff member who may or may not have been using recreational drugs. Watch your back.

It is well known that The Company is extremely secretive. Many angry customers have requested HO phone numbers and addresses in order to make complaints, offer marketing/etc services, or general enquiries. Half the time they don’t believe us when we tell them (in store, as they can’t seem to find HO details anywhere else. Duh) that we don’t even have their details. We all contact them through our internal email and centel-phone system. So all we can do is give them a Customer Feedback Form which they can post off to a PO Box, or we can post it off for them; or direct them to The Company website and online feedback forum; or a pager number, from which they can leave a voicemail message for the “Customer Empathy Officer”- someone will get back to you shortly! Once I list these exhaustive and exhausting options, they either get more fired up or fed up and give up in frustration. The local HO is soon relocating, I suspect customers have found it! The front windows had been ‘tagged’ by local youths/gangs when I went in again for the first time since late 2004.

Well, after my one day stint so far in HO (I’ll be back all day Friday), I haven’t uncovered much dirt on The Company or its staff. It’s given me an insight into the AMs’ roles and jobs, and I can see why Charlene was so tight on hours last year and refuses to ‘waste’ her time working in stores. It has also confirmed our suspicions that The Company is focusing on the clearance stores as they turn over more stock. There are some great new items from the current range now in our retail stores: like classy T-shirts with slogans such as: “Beer - give your brain the night off” and “It’s not a beer belly, it’s a fuel tank”. Apparently The Owner thought they were hilarious, and having sold so well in the rural clearance stores, The Company, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to bring them out in the retail stores as well. I can’t wait, I’m so proud to be selling such quality apparel.